Five Times Jack Harkness Got Attacked by Birds
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: just as the title said.


**Author's Note: a scene in the book Skypoint inspired me; after all it sounded like Jack had a lot of experience with birds. **

**1. on the rooftops**

He was standing there watching over Cardiff as always when it happened. A single seagull flew down and sat on his shoulder. Thinking nothing of it other than a little annoyance Jack Harkness shrugged it off and went back to watching over Cardiff while looking dashing as always, he was hoping either Ianto or Gwen will come up and swoon over him, he had a soft spot for the pair and wouldn't mind a little flattering from either one of them.

Another bird flew over and sat on his shoulder, shrugging it off Jack wondered how long it would take Gwen or Ianto to figure out where he is and come up to talk to him. Suddenly his view was blocked by filthy white/grey feathers and he began to try and swat the many birds away.

"Gerroff!!!! I only had this dry cleaned this morning, weevil blood is very hard to clean out" he moaned flapping his arms in an almost comical way.

Instead the birds flew at him even more and some even began to peck at him no matter how loud he yelped or how hard he swatted the birds wouldn't leave him alone until...

...until he literally walked off the roof.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

**2. on a date**

It was a simple and cheapskate date. They didn't have time for dinner and movie due to the extra rift activity that was happening recently so instead Jack decided to seduce Ianto with a bag of chips and a romantic walk along the docks. It was actually very romantic despite Ianto's initial scepticism, it was a clear night with a full moon and twinkling stars, also the slight breeze meant Jack could wrap his arm round Ianto's shoulders.

"Chips will forever remain my favourite food" Jack said chattily, he was in the mood to let something about himself slip. Ianto often did that to him, so did Gwen and occasionally Owen and Tosh. "I never had one until I was thirty three, meant the most gorgeous nineteen year old blonde and her nine hundred year old boyfriend with the big ears and northern accent. Both were addicted to the potato treat and when Blondie discovered I never ate one she practically shoved one down my throat and ever since then I love them"

"That's nice sir" Ianto said slightly stiffly.

Jack sighed, he knew whenever he brought up some of his conquests or even just plain old friends under the veil of innuendo both Ianto and Gwen got a bit jealous. Seriously he could not help it that he was a handsome man born in the 51st century could he? He picked up a chip and slipped it into his mouth, turning to Ianto with the half chip sticking out he leaned into kiss him and share the chip when....

....when a bird suddenly flew into his face and snatched the chip out of his mouth.

The sheer shock of it caused Jack to stumble back and...

SPLASH!

Ianto had never laughed so hard in his life.

**3. It was all Owen Harper's fault**

Owen was in a good mood and usually when he is in a good mood everyone tends to avoid him. Not because they didn't like it when he was actually polite to them and even complimented them and so on, no it was all because when Owen Harper was in a good mood it meant he was up to some sort of prank.

While Tosh, Ianto and Gwen successfully evaded Owen's pranks Jack was unlucky enough to somehow lose his clothes and end up covered in cooking oil tied to a lamppost.

He still couldn't work out how though. He was pretty sure Owen drugged him or something. He was also sure that he burning after all it was for once a glorious sunny day.

Curse global warming.

As he cursed Owen and global warming several birds suddenly swooped down and began to peck him like vultures.

He can now add being pecked to death on the many ways he died list.

**4. Stripping**

It was undercover work, Ianto had a severe case of stage fright, Owen refused and neither of the girls was qualified to be a male stripper. He was wearing the full military uniform from 1940, it smelled a little musty considering he hadn't worn the whole thing for well over a decade but other than that it was still in top condition.

The music began playing and he slinked out onto the stage and slowly began his tease. There was a Hen party going on and all of them loved him, well who wouldn't? He barely got his shirt off when the drunken women wouldn't wait anymore; they suddenly grabbed him and pulled him down to them.

By the time he finally got away he was completely naked and covered in lipstick marks and scratches. He wasn't complaining though, he loved it when birds like this attacked him.

**5. Aliens**

They were beautiful. Beautiful bodies, beautiful faces despite the beaks and beautiful wings. Beaked Angels Ianto had called them and after that the alien race that had crashed landed here refused to tell them their actual name, mostly because they preferred Beaked Angels. Ianto was their favourite throughout the whole ordeal and Jack was forced to watch the patronising pretty birdlike women pet Ianto's hair all day.

They managed to fix the Beaked Angel's ship thanks to Tosh's amazing skills and were now standing by the ship saying their farewells. Gwen and Tosh were being squeezed to death, apparently the Beaked Angels were very thankful for their fashion tips, Owen was being ignored due to his insults and jokes and Ianto was _still _being hit on.

"Well goodbye" Jack said slightly uncomfortable but still putting on his charm. "It was nice to see such good looking birds"

Suddenly there was a loud squawk coming from the group.

"Err...Jack" Owen mumbled.

"You're a bunch of hot chicks I'll tell you that, I'll bet you'll catch a lot of guys back at home" Jack continued.

"_Jack_" Gwen hissed.

"See you later duckling" Jack finished off, tickling the nearest one's chin.

"Jack, I wouldn't do that if I were you, they hate any reference of birds" Tosh said walking backwards quickly with the other three following suit.

"What? Well I guess if you compared them to our pigeons-"

The whole team of Torchwood looked on in horror as the Beaked Angels began to maul Jack.

"GUYS, HELP!" Jack screamed as the Beaked Angels tore some of his skin off his face.

Everyone winced.

"I'm not going to be able to eat chicken for a long time" Ianto said looking queasy.


End file.
